What I Learned Today

There are many religions in the world - all born of man's age-old quest to understand why he's here, and his fear of what's going to happen when he dies.  It is important to note, however, the only religion which is actually sanctified by God is Catholicism.  Abraham said so.  (The priest who pointed this out specifically stated Buddhists, Hindus, etc. are out of luck.)

Communion isn't really communion unless it is offered in the Catholic church.  This is because bread and wine are turned into the actual body and blood of Christ via the special connection only Catholic priests have with God.  When communion is offered, only Catholics (The Prepared) are permitted to partake.  If you are "unprepared" but would still like to go forward to the front of the church, you may do so.  However, instead of holding out your hand to receive the bread and wine, you must approach the priest with your arms crossed over your chest indicating you are not worthy of receiving communion.  Apparently it is very important that the Catholics can tell the haves from the have-nots.  (I'm not exactly sure what happens if The Unprepared take communion in a Catholic church.  This was not addressed, but it must be serious.  My guess is instantaneous combustion.)

As best I could tell from my vantage point, the bread and wine is considered magically transformed into the flesh and blood of Christ after the priest finishes swinging a metal lantern gizmo around in the air.  (You'd think it would require a much more intricate, complicated procedure to accomplish this task, but you'd be wrong.)

We should all pray for the Pope.  I'm unclear as to whether we're supposed to pray for him to confess culpability for his role in the cover-up of the sexual abuse of innocent children by priests, or if we're supposed to pray for him to continue to deny the allegations so the Catholic church can save face.  Or perhaps we're simply supposed to pray for his health.  The particulars weren't discussed.  Go figure.

If we attend Catholic mass regularly (preferably daily) we increase our odds of enjoying an afterlife.  God is keeping score.  (They did not belabor the point that this daily attendance couldn't help but contribute directly to the coffers through increased offerings.)

Our dead physical bodies will be reunited with our souls when the second coming of Christ occurs.  (The fact that the physical body would be decomposed by that time was not mentioned, so I'm baffled as to how this reunification process transpires. Perhaps more lantern swinging is involved.)

That's what I learned today.

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