The Personal Ad

DWF, 52, seeking brilliant, funny, kind, quick-witted, straight, single, employed male; 52-67. (15 years is the acceptable cutoff, isn't it?)  No one younger than me, though.  I'd really like to avoid the whole mid-life crisis debacle.

-Hair is optional; being habitually late is not.

-Dark, obsessive, brooding types will not be considered. (Some minor brooding is acceptable.)

-You do know if you're picking your nose while you're driving, everyone can see you, right?

-No criminals, no stalkers, no spouses of missing or mysteriously-deceased wives, no sidewalk-spitters, no addicts, no iniquitous businessmen, no quiet loners who pretty much keep to themselves and seem perfectly harmless, no slow-talkers, no knuckle-crackers, no gun nuts, no serial philanderers, no toothpick-chewers, no chronic interrupters.

-You won't text somebody else while you're talking to me unless you're providing life-saving CPR instructions (and I'm not likely to fall for that more than once).

-You must read - not just the newspaper or an occasional magazine, but books. Yes, actual books.

-You must have good table manners, chew with your mouth closed, and never tip less than 20%.

-Your ability to discuss politics in a civil manner (or not at all) is paramount.  I.E. the antithesis of Bill O'Reilly.

-If you talk during movies, I'm not interested (and please stop going to movies).

-When you've done something wrong, you:
1)  recognize it
2)  say, "I screwed up. I'm sorry."
3)  prove your sincerity by not doing it again

-When I've done something wrong, you:
1)  find it incredibly endearing
2)  instantly forgive me
3)  never bring it up again

-You must be unendingly patient with old people.

-You observe the standard rule of etiquette of removing your hat when you're indoors.

-You must love dogs.

-Your uncanny ability to make witty observations about a multitude of people, places and things is exceeded only by your willingness to make fun of yourself.

-Your particular faith is not an issue; I'm willing to learn.  A few exceptions:
1) If your religion condones the annihilation of another group of people (or denies          such annihilation has taken place) I'm not interested.   Let's face it, that sort of          thing has absolutely nothing to do with faith and everything to do with blatant            stupidity.
2) No Scientologists. (You have to ask?)
3) If honoring your beliefs is not enough - if it is important to you that I actually            believe - well, that's just not going to happen.

-You're aware the word 'across' doesn't end with a t; the word 'escape' doesn't have an x; you know the difference between loose and lose; you never say 'orientated'; you know when you break something it isn't 'broke' and you're not one of those pretentious ninnies who pronounce the t in 'often'.  Lastly, while you may occasionally end a sentence with a preposition, you do your best to avoid it.

-A firm handshake is imperative.  There aren't enough redeeming qualities in the world to overcome the impression made by a feeble handshake.

-No necklaces.

-No unbuttoning your shirt halfway down your chest.  I'm pretty sure that went out in the '70s.  Thankfully the majority of men seem to be aware of this, with the exception of retired mafiosi and that aberrant faction of men who do it to show off their necklaces.

-It would be nice if you liked all different types of music.  No need for country or rap.  (Does rap really qualify as music?)   It would definitely be considered a plus if you have an appreciation for a good violin concerto, Glenn Miller, and Led Zeppelin (though not simultaneously) and an abiding love of Cat Stevens.

-If you happen to be involved in a CAUSE, this would likely be viewed as a plus.   On the other hand, if you're the kind of person whose involvement in said cause has resulted in you becoming a holier-than-thou, overbearing, obsessive, argumentative jackass, then I'm not interested.  Hint: if you think people run the other way when they see you coming simply because you're so intensely devoted and passionately vocal, and if you're absolutely 100% certain that you, of all people, have not crossed the line into jackassdom - then most assuredly you have.

-When someone asks you how old you are, you don't reply, "I'm 64 going on 65."   Really?   Going on 65?   Did you think we'd be completely baffled without that helpful addendum?  (FYI: that "going on..." thing is reserved for describing precocious children: "She's 7 going on 17," and immature adults: "He's 40 going on 14."  Just so you know.)

-When bad things happen to good people, you never say something stupid like, "It's God's will," or, "It's karma," or, "It's fate."

-If you're privy to confidential information, you keep it that way.  This should not be considered a formidable challenge, it should be considered standard operating procedure.  Neither the changing nature of a relationship, nor the passage of time, nor death, alters this edict.

-You must enjoy watching baseball, football and basketball.   Hockey is a plus, but not required.

-No Yankee fans.   I'm sure you're aware in 49 states we view being a Yankee fan akin to being a fan of the obnoxious, rich bully who lives down the street.  We never liked that guy.  The only exception is if you happen to be from New York, in which case this gross error in judgment will be grudgingly overlooked.   Come to think of it, if you're a New Yorker and you're NOT a Yankees fan, you would be considered suspect (Mets fans excluded) since disloyal fans are nearly as insufferable as Yankee fans.

-Toilet seat down.  Replace roll when empty.

-Above all else (except maybe the toilet seat thing) you must have an excellent sense of humor.

Now, a bit about me:

-I'm annoyed with the people whom, when greeted with the perfunctory, "How are you?" reply by actually telling me.

-I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account.  If I ever feel compelled to open one, please kill me.

-I like to sing along to the radio.  I'll stop if you ask me to, but you should know I'll be dying inside.

-Favorite movies: It's a toss-up between Princess Bride and The Departed.

-Favorite TV shows: I don't know anymore - somewhere along the way I lost access to the remote.  I suspect it may be permanently attached to my 16-year-old son's right hand.  As a result, through no fault of my own, I am now hooked on Sports Center.

-I invariably choose the wrong line.

-I love musicals.

-If I won the lottery, I would:
1)  Hire a vegan chef.  I'm not a vegan.  I'm not even a vegetarian.  But I like the             idea.
2)  Get new tires for my 12-year-old car.

-Letterman; never Leno.  I always had a low Leno tolerance.  After the Conan thing it became zero tolerance.  I miss Johnny Carson.

-I'll take a curmudgeon over a sycophant any day.

-I'd love to travel, but don't much care for tourists.  You can see my dilemma.

-I'm not particularly interested in getting married again.  Sure, in a perfect world I'd like to be in a monogamous relationship full of love and laughter for the rest of my life.  But seriously, how likely is that?

-I don't think first dates should be conducted over lunch or dinner - there's really no need to suffer needlessly through an entire meal.  10 minutes of conversation while standing on a street corner should be ample time to discern if there's potential.

-In the interest of full disclosure, please be advised I am a devastatingly poor, hideously unattractive, unemployed college dropout.  On the bright side, I bathe regularly, do not have any tattoos or piercings, and am generally well-mannered.  I don't have any diseases; I'm not addicted to anything; I've never been arrested, and I haven't used illegal drugs (in decades).  As an added bonus, I've never been found to be criminally insane.  (Not to imply court-ordered testing has been conducted.)

Why I'm single, remains a perplexing mystery.

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